I am sitting blogging in my little mini gym at home. Sweat is dripping down my face from various exercises yet my mind is going a mile a minute. My thoughts are a muddle of the present, my future and how to reconcile the two together.
I worked out more and harder hoping for sanctuary. But there was a question that I cannot eliminate and out run, "What is my purpose in this life?" It seems like a normal enough question, which I took for granted asking most of my life, but now I sit here facing middle age. I sit here introspectively day after day asking it with repetition and no clarity. I chose a path of caring for my elderly grandfather so he did not have to go into a nursing home. Most people that I tell that too commend my noble act, but deep down I knew that I was going to be challenged and struggle internally. I knew that I felt resentment before this journey even started.
I raged against my thoughts, trying not to feel that naw of resentment that was growing like a ball of raging fire in my stomach. I resented the situation, not my grandfather. The extra added guilt of feeling resentment only made things worse and I soon became an insomniac. Exercise was my only refuge, but that thought could not be suppressed. I knew deep inside that I had something to offer this world.
We all struggle to find our paths and our spiritual direction. I had searched in a million different ways and everytime I was faced with a wise spiritual leader I would ask the same question, "what is my purpose?" It seemed to be the only question that if answered would quell that raging fire. I received answers from "I don't know', "I wish I could tell you, you must find it on your own" to "we have no purpose we just exist". With answers like those, it is good that I wasn't a depressed character ready to jump off a bridge because that could tip the scales.
The reflective character actively reads and reflects but as one grows older the question never ceases, "what is my purpose?"I want to start exploring this question in hopes of not just catharsis for my soul, but the soul of others. I want my journey to be your journey and for you to share freely with me your thoughts and ideas. Let us come together as one...
"What is my purpose" could it be to simply be here? When I pondered that question after my cosmic mental, emotional and physical breakdown I could not get anyone to answer that question either. This is what I have found in my journey. I am not supposed to be Ghandi and effect change. My sole reason to be is simply that I am. My life has no life/universe changing reason. I believe I change the world for the better simply by being here.
ReplyDeleteI would love to discuss more, but simply, a comment should be reasonably short..I think you might have what is called care givers syndrom. You might want to contact your grandfather's insurance and find out if they cover respite care. They probably do. If not, then contact your local senior center and talk with someone there. I know CT has several programs to help family members get some time off and granps can still be in the home and with trained staff to help.
I saw your blog after my tweet was added as a part of http://paper.li/GoodBlogPosts3/1309702361
ReplyDeletePurpose. Why are you here, YOU, this very YOU. Your consciousness, your awareness, your ME-ness.
I asked that when I was ten years old, but I didn't realize the answer until 5 years later. There is only ONE purpose for all mankind, and that is to dwell in God's love. To have fellowship with Him. To commune with Him and to bring others to Him. But I'm jumping ahead of myself...
First, you have to understand yourself and ask these questions.
1. What are you most excellent at?
2. What can YOU DO that most others find difficult?
3. What people/societal NEED do you SEE that haunts/bothers you?
4. How can you use that talent/gift of yours that others lack, to change/impact that societal/people circumstance?
5. And How can you use it to reveal God's glory to people?
Once you can answer these questions of yourself, your purpose will be revealed to you.
But you have to VALUE people. You have to SEE the value in people and have compassion. you have to STOP seeing yourself as a victim or at a disadvantage.
You are privileged to give of yourself(to your grandfather). You're a wealthy human being. Live with that consciousness.
And your talents? Don't undersell anything. If your gift is the gift of smiling, give them out freely to brighten someone's day. If it is to make walnut pudding, give walnut pudding to those that hunger/ for financial benefit drives, to bless someone on their birthday, to teach the recipe to students etc.
God loves you, be blessed!
By the way, you can check out my blog on Christ and Spiritual guidance.
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