I am sitting blogging in my little mini gym at home. Sweat is dripping down my face from various exercises yet my mind is going a mile a minute. My thoughts are a muddle of the present, my future and how to reconcile the two together.
I worked out more and harder hoping for sanctuary. But there was a question that I cannot eliminate and out run, "What is my purpose in this life?" It seems like a normal enough question, which I took for granted asking most of my life, but now I sit here facing middle age. I sit here introspectively day after day asking it with repetition and no clarity. I chose a path of caring for my elderly grandfather so he did not have to go into a nursing home. Most people that I tell that too commend my noble act, but deep down I knew that I was going to be challenged and struggle internally. I knew that I felt resentment before this journey even started.
I raged against my thoughts, trying not to feel that naw of resentment that was growing like a ball of raging fire in my stomach. I resented the situation, not my grandfather. The extra added guilt of feeling resentment only made things worse and I soon became an insomniac. Exercise was my only refuge, but that thought could not be suppressed. I knew deep inside that I had something to offer this world.
We all struggle to find our paths and our spiritual direction. I had searched in a million different ways and everytime I was faced with a wise spiritual leader I would ask the same question, "what is my purpose?" It seemed to be the only question that if answered would quell that raging fire. I received answers from "I don't know', "I wish I could tell you, you must find it on your own" to "we have no purpose we just exist". With answers like those, it is good that I wasn't a depressed character ready to jump off a bridge because that could tip the scales.
The reflective character actively reads and reflects but as one grows older the question never ceases, "what is my purpose?"I want to start exploring this question in hopes of not just catharsis for my soul, but the soul of others. I want my journey to be your journey and for you to share freely with me your thoughts and ideas. Let us come together as one...
