Spiritual Counseling: w/ Hudson

I made my appointment about a week ago and had no idea what to expect. I waited patiently for the phone call with a mix of fear and exhiliration. How else would you feel waiting for the call from someone who you had seen on TV and read about? I kept checking my cellphone panicking as the time ticked closer. Wouldn't you know it as soon as I put it down...my ringtone went off of LadyHawke, My Delirum. I picked up my phone and saw it said unknown number. I knew it was time and I answered.

She answered, "Hi, its Hudson". For the next fifty minutes of that time I ended up pouring out my soul and crying twice. Her words were probing, she asked about my family, upbringing. She asked me why I had made the appointment. I had to think for a moment but the truth was it went beyond the superficial of her being an actress. She offered another viewpoint. She quickly confessed no bias of any religion. She practiced Hinduism and openly listened to my engrained Christian viewpoint. We talked about the nature of God, that God is a loving God, not one of harsh judgement. In any religion it seems you always have people who take whats good and slant it to fit their own prejudices. I have seen much of that in my life, people that have been lost and hurting shunned because of preconceived prejudices based on someones understanding of scriptures. She spoke to me of Jesus and of his love, offering me words that would reach me knowing my background.

I cried my hurts and she listened patiently. She knew that the real problem lied within me, my own learned preceptions and that no matter how hard I tried to love others that until I worked on myself, my efforts would come to nothing. The truth is when you live in your mind, you become disconnected from your body. You were born to live in this world, not in your head. When you come out into the world, mind, body and soul, the world opens up to you and you find meaning and purpose. (Her wisdom, not mine) She gave me two homework assignments, to write a letter to myself about all the bad things I had done through my false perspective and to look into the mirror and say, "I love you Kim". It is going to be difficult since neither am I accustomed to. Amusingly we finished about four minutes early and she asked me if there was anything else I wanted to talk about. I babbled literally for four minutes, totally at a loss for words. It is always a good policy to shut your mouth if you don't have anything meaningful to say, babbled like a giddy fan (so embarassed)

In conclusion, by the end I felt drained and exhausted. I felt like my facade had been annihilated. I had no idea what I had signed up for and now experiencing it, I don't regret it. We will have to see what session two has in store...to be continued.

Spiritiual Awaking...Sleeping in Reality

There is nothing more upsetting when you have that "Ah, Ha" moment, figuring out some great mystery only to have someone say something that leaves you stunned, feeling like you know nothing.
At 4am this morning, reading the Dalai Lama's, "How to See Yourself", I thought I came to a brilliant realization. I facebooked my favorite spiritual healer the revelation "you have to become selfless, eliminating the inherit value given to things and yourself. Only through selflessness you can become free and become apart of the cosmic energy." (Pretty coherent for someone who doen't get up usually until ten)
Later I checked my facebook and she replied "...there are so many ways and thoughts to be more connected...stay with whatever thought feels really good in your being...that's the "right one". I read and re-read that at least twenty times, "a thought that feels really good?" I was stupified. The truth is my mind has more thoughts going through it than trains in Grand Central Station. But then I started to think when was the last time I had a thought that felt really good?
Life is so fast paced, we go to our own uneven beated drummer, walking and thinking usually negativity. We want to achieve, succeed and conquer the world. We are never happy, prone to negative thoughts because they propel us forward to seemingly striving more and greater achievements. Our inner drill instructor seems to get us farther than our inner cheerleader. Why do we follow that uneven beat, because like dancing to music, your dance or life journey is going to lead you to stumble and fall. (not a dancer, here.)
When is the last time you stopped and reflected on a thought that made you feel real good and clung to it for even five minutes? The Dalai Lama says "Love and compassion open our inner life, reducing stress, distrust and lonileness" (8) Love and compassion sounds like a better cure than any anti-depressant, but why is it so hard to find one "feel-good" thought to cling to? Why do we focus on the negative rather than the positive? It is because of attachments but how do we detach?
We are deaf to the universal music of life. We are all trying to move to our own rhythm, in self interest, instead of the universal flow. We can only hear the universal rhythm when we become selfless and therefore find happiness. As to one thought that feels "really good" I will have to get back to you on that. To be continued....

"I am an infant on a spiritual journey...
By old age, maybe I'll have a sliver of insight"

Seeking Spiritual Guidance: A spiritual reflection

I am sitting blogging in my little mini gym at home. Sweat is dripping down my face from various exercises yet my mind is going a mile a minute. My thoughts are a muddle of the present, my future and how to reconcile the two together.

I worked out more and harder hoping for sanctuary. But there was a question that I cannot eliminate and out run, "What is my purpose in this life?" It seems like a normal enough question, which I took for granted asking most of my life, but now I sit here facing middle age. I sit here introspectively day after day asking it with repetition and no clarity. I chose a path of caring for my elderly grandfather so he did not have to go into a nursing home. Most people that I tell that too commend my noble act, but deep down I knew that I was going to be challenged and struggle internally. I knew that I felt resentment before this journey even started.

I raged against my thoughts, trying not to feel that naw of resentment that was growing like a ball of raging fire in my stomach. I resented the situation, not my grandfather. The extra added guilt of feeling resentment only made things worse and I soon became an insomniac. Exercise was my only refuge, but that thought could not be suppressed. I knew deep inside that I had something to offer this world.

We all struggle to find our paths and our spiritual direction. I had searched in a million different ways and everytime I was faced with a wise spiritual leader I would ask the same question, "what is my purpose?" It seemed to be the only question that if answered would quell that raging fire. I received answers from "I don't know', "I wish I could tell you, you must find it on your own" to "we have no purpose we just exist". With answers like those, it is good that I wasn't a depressed character ready to jump off a bridge because that could tip the scales.

The reflective character actively reads and reflects but as one grows older the question never ceases, "what is my purpose?"I want to start exploring this question in hopes of not just catharsis for my soul, but the soul of others. I want my journey to be your journey and for you to share freely with me your thoughts and ideas. Let us come together as one...